When you think about letting go of some of the things that cause you stress, do you feel like you’re dropping a ball or letting someone down? Do you feel guilty?

While there are many aspects of life that cause you to experience stress, not all of them have to stay in your life. And those that do, may not need to take top billing.

And you know that, but does the thought of letting go cause you to feel guilt? Anxiety? Feelings of failure? Fear? I’ve got news for you…

Let Go and Ditch the Guilt

Holding on to things that cause you stress will take a heavy toll on your health. Sometimes, people hold on to relationships, situations, things, grudges and even memories that don’t actually serve them and instead cause them great amounts of stress.

Some stressors are handed to us by others. Some we choose. Some come as a result of an event, a situation or a behavior. And some stressors come by way of trying to be better, a better mom, a better spouse or partner, a better employee, a better friend or simply a better person.

Learning how to let go of things that cause you stress is essential. But letting go can be hard. And even thinking of letting go can cause intense feelings of guilt. Like you’re dropping a ball or letting someone down.

We hold on for lots of reasons but guilt is the big one for most people.

Well, we know that stress leads to illness if it’s not addressed, guilt is just another type of stressor, so what do we do?

Here are some steps that can help you evaluate the value of whatever it is you’re holding onto and if the value is low or non-existent, how to let go without bringing on the guilt.

First, think about what type of stressor it is.

Life Event

Life’s Daily Hassle

Mental Chatter

 Knowing what type of stress you’re experiencing will help you determine the best way to deal with it.

Life Events happen by chance or by choice. You may not be able to get rid of these types of stressors, but you can come up with some effective ways to deal with them.

Life’s Daily Hassles are things that happen on a daily or near daily basis and many of them can be eliminated with a little planning and some lifestyle redesign.

Mental Chatter disrupts every aspect of your life. It’s imperative that you work through Mental Chatter as quickly as possible or it will keep you up at night, affect relationships, impact your job and keep you miserable.

Did you choose this stressor or did someone choose it for you?

 Understanding who decided this was important makes a difference.

Often, we fail to set effective boundaries for others and also for ourselves.

If someone else decided this for you, are you in agreement that it’s important for you to take care of? And is now the right time?

Whether it’s someone asking you to make a phone call, pick someone up from school or move to another area, it’s important that you understand why this particular “thing” landed on your plate.

Is this a matter of learning to set better boundaries?

How is this stressor affecting you?

            Mentally

            Physically

            Emotionally

What are your S.O.S. Signals?

 What is the value of having this stressor in your life?

There are many ways to assign value to things. But basically, you need to ask yourself how this “thing” is serving you.

Here are some types of value we add to stressors

1. Financial gain
2. Satisfaction
3. Prestige
4. Comfort
5. Feelings of Vindication
6. Appeal to your Honor
7. Increase Beauty
8. Vanity
9. Does it increase your sense of value?

1. A good mom, dad, sister, brother…
2. A better employee
3. More deserving
4. Wealthy
5. Generous
6. Kind
7. Accomplished

What value does this stressor have in your life?

 What is the price you pay to keep this stressor?

• Time
• Energy
• Sleep
• Money
• Self-worth

 What is the price of letting go of this stressor, what do you fear will happen, what do you fear you will lose?

• Time
• Energy
• Sleep
• Money
• Self-worth
• Satisfaction
• Prestige
• Comfort
• Honor
• Love or esteem from others

This list could be endless and it’s personal. But when you get real about what you really fear, it’s easier to see this “thing” for what it really is.

 Does the value of keeping it outweigh the value of letting it go?

Look at the answers to all of the above questions. You might even take out a piece of paper, fold it in half lengthwise and create a list of pros and cons. Which side is greater?

Sometimes it’s not actually possible to just let it go. Someone needs to pick those kids up from school. But does it actually need to be you that carries it out?

Does it fit my season?

You’ve heard of seasons of life, or stages of life.

Typically our younger years are for education, establishing relationships and choosing a career.

Then we move on to family years and career development

As your children grow your priorities shift and you can spend more time on your career or personal goals.

You may be in a period of life where your parents need you.

And you might be in what’s called the Sandwich Generation, raising your children and caring for aging parents.

What stage of life are you in and does this “thing” fit within the stage of life you’re in right now?

Now that you’ve evaluated the value of this particular stressor to your life at this time, it’s time to move it to one of 4 baskets.

Choose the basket

• Eliminated – can you just let it go – if it serves no valuable purpose in your life right now, just let it go. This is especially true with grudges, they rarely serve any valuable purpose, but sometimes this can include unhealthy relationships, things that clutter your home, office or lifestyle, or situations that just aren’t working. This could be where you live, your current job, people you interact with outside your immediate family, extracurricular activities…and eliminating it right now doesn’t mean you have to eliminate it forever.
• Delegated – can someone else do it just as good as you can, or maybe even better or would this be a great opportunity for someone else to learn a new skill or become more self-sufficient? Take your kids’ lunches as an example. Do you really have to make them or can your kids make their own lunches? Are you doing too much in an effort to feel like a better mom? Could you reframe this to be that good moms teach their children how to manage life skills?
• Procrastinated – reasonably put off to another time that is more convenient or more fitting? Whether that’s later today, next week or another time in your life altogether. This can go back to life seasons.
• If you can’t eliminate it, delegate it or procrastinate it, can you Elevate it? Can you move it up in priority and resolve it? This will likely mean that you will need to put something else in another basket for now. But realistically you only have so many resources, whether those resources be time, money, energy, focus… you can’t do it all, all the time. And if you think you can, you will pay a terrible price in years to come.

 Once you’ve evaluated the cost vs the benefit of holding onto many of the stressors in your life you’ll be able to see how unserving some of the things we see as necessary maybe aren’t. If you’ve struggled with guilt over saying no or letting go of things that cause you significant stress, creating a plan may be the way to let go of the stressor and the guilt